Relationships

I was asked recently about my best advice concerning relationships. Here’s what I said…

That’s a pretty hard question.  It’s hard because I think what makes for a good relationship varies from person to person, and we don’t really know the definition of what “relationship” is, any more than we can apply a definition to “love”.  Some people have a fine relationship only because they talk to each other frequently throughout the day, but others don’t talk to each other for extended periods of time and they still have a good relationship.  The common theories are that good communication and a willingness to forgive are the foundations of any good relationship, and while that may be true, once again, those things can vary from person to person.

But, to get to the point – I guess the best advice I can give on relationships is you have to give each other room to be human, which is to say, room to be imperfect.  We often blame others for things that we either also do, or that we are guilty of worse things.  We hold grudges.  We allow bitterness to grow.  We rub people the wrong way.  We throw up their faults to them, or remind them of past errors.  Needless to say, these things help to destroy relationships.

Many couples fail in their relationships because they don’t know how good they have it.  “The grass is always greener in the other pasture.”  So, they keep changing out partners looking for that perfect “Hallmark movie” person that never seems to be found.  We look for that relationship that fulfills the “and they lived happily ever after” fairy tale ending.  Too bad.  That’s not how things really work.  

Finally, relationships don’t tend to stay static and unchanging.  They evolve.  We generally don’t like things to change.  Sometimes things get tough.  Not everyone is on the same ‘wave-length’ all the time.  All in all, I think relationships are hard, but they are the best chance we have for happiness so we do the best we can.  Most of the failed relationships I’ve encountered had some things in common.  They tore each other down.  They had no positive dialogue between them.  They focused too much attention on their children, and not on each other, and then when the children grew up and left, they had nothing in common.  In some cases, one or the other wanted to dominate, and receive all the benefits, and eventually the ‘giver’ wanted something more than to simply be a slave to the other.  All in all, everyone has to want the relationship to succeed, or it is probably doomed.